Given that The Muppet Show formed a hefty wedge of my televisual diet as a youngster, it wasn’t long before I was overcome with curiosity over the origins of my own family tree. That means I could potentially be first back in the showers and, should that be the case, then I’m using up all the hot water in protest.Īnyhoots, while chewing the fat with you is mildly fun, the elephant in the room just took a dump and more dropped out from beneath his tail than I consume in a calendar year so I say it’s high time we get things started don’t you? My plan was to rehearse my lines thoroughly before my big performance but that kind of fell by the wayside once my mind began to wander as tends to be the case when I’m left to my own devices for too long or three seconds, whatever beacon arrives first. I’m like Private Frost from Aliens – when a camouflaged wallflower xenomorph decides to break formation and fist Dietrich, I’m the poor schmuck stuck lugging around the frag satchel. Guess that means taking yet another one for the team. Just as I thought, nothing more than a bunch of yellow bastards. If you’re suggesting that my ride will be easy from hereon in then put your money where your mouth is and take my place dagnabbit. This bout isn’t about relentless bloodshed or tugging the spleens from sullen sea monsters. My only hope of emerging from this next skirmish unscathed will be to amuse them to a sufficient enough degree that they take pity on my sorry self and grant me the all-important pardon. Their VIP box is well protected and its frowned upon to beat on the elderly, even in an infernal cess pit like this. Should I take things too much to heart, then these two scathing felt fucks will think nothing of finishing me off with a half-eaten aubergine or wayward cabbage and there won’t be a damn thing I can do about it. It will be imperative that I show not a solitary sign of weakness once I step beneath their roving search lights as they will capitalize on that in a picosecond and mount a verbal attack that could well hurt my feelings. Why else would they be nicknamed The Hecklers? Insults can smart something chronic when directed without the necessary tact and diplomacy is something I’m convinced they’re not packing. It just so happens that, for all my wrangler swagger, I’m actually rather a sensitive soul and wish for nothing more than to be accepted by my peers. Sticks and stones may break one’s bones but being called a “talentless titty tassle” does precious little for reinforcing the spirit. You see, what they lack in bulging biceps and baleful brow veins, they make up for with cutting wit and the cruelest of irony. On paper this meddlesome pair hardly appear the most formidable of foes but, make no mistake, taking them lightly will be an act no less than utterly foolish.
The bishops are up next, Statler and Waldorf to be precise and, for those of you who spent the whole of the eighties hiding beneath a rock, I’m talking of the two cranky old geezers from The Muppet Show. There were times when it threatened to get all too overwhelming but I remained focused throughout, driven on by my proposed reward for cutting these foul beasts down to size.
My previous opponents went by the name of The Paladins of the Dark Palace and they certainly had no great desire to offer up an easy passage. And believe me when I say it’s been downright filthy at times. It’s one thing chipping in from time to time with suggestions, but entirely another doing the dirty work. Charity begins at home and, since it seems highly improbable that he’ll be patting me on the back any time soon, I’ll damn well pat my own. Should you consult Bonus Brain, then he’ll likely take credit for every victory claimed thus far but, while he has bailed me out on occasion, he’s hardly been instrumental in the bigger picture. Instead I have been forced into doing battle with all manner of undesirables and I’m not altogether sure how I’ve made it this far if I’m honest.
Pettifor’s rose garden while slurping cream soda through a crazy straw. I could have called myself the Brutal Weed Wrangler and spent my days tending to old Mrs. Had I known that being the Brutal Word Wrangler would entail quite as much brawling, then I may not have been so quick to accept the gig in the first place. The first thing I plan to do when I finally banish death to the fiery pits of hell from whence he came is to book a to week’s all-inclusive holiday to the Maldives and take shit easy. Jeez I could do with a stiff drink right about now.
LYRICS TO FILL ME UP BUTTERCUP FREE
Kenny Loggins “I’m Free (Heaven Helps The Man)” The Foundations “Build Me Up Buttercup (Instrumental)” Missy Elliott “Get Ur Freak On (Instrumental)”
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